Updated for 1/4/13!!!!
1/4/13. Hey, guys. Sorry about not posting anything last month. I’ve been…busy. And I’d like to set the rumors straight as to why. Now I know that the video below looks bad, but, contrary to the rumors (and the title of the video below), I am NOT on bath salts. Nor am I on Cocaine. And NO, I have not been in rehab for Adderall. You’ve got me confused with someone else. I do, however, have a problem with supplements. Specifically, my Calcium supplement. I tell myself every morning, “Beeno, you’re NOT going to knock over that bottle of Calcium powder and bury your face in it.” But everyday, by like 3 in the afternoon, I’m running around like a clown on a Calcium high. Hey, what can I say? I’m a tortoise. We like Calcium. And I’m ok with that.
11/25/12. Hey, guys. I’m finally settled back in after Hurricane Sandy knocked my power out for 2 weeks, so I figured it was time for another blog post. And this month, for a change, I decided to dig deep into my video vault to show you guys a different side of myself. Sometimes, I get to worrying that you guys might think that the only thing that I do all day is eat. And this couldn’t be further from the truth. I also poop sometimes. A lot, actually. It’s kind of a thing I do. I poop in strange places, and then see how long it takes Smoke to find it. No, seriously. It’s lots of fun.
So this is video of me trying to sneak behind the aquarium to take a dump, not realizing that I was being filmed the whole time. I would have gotten it off, too. But I think that one of the fish might have ratted me out…
10/17/12. Hey, guys. Sorry that I haven’t posted anything in a while, but I’ve been real busy lately. Eat, sleep, poop, you know how it is. Anyway, since everyone gets a kick out of me making a fool of myself, here’s a video of me vainly attempting to eat a whole apple. It didn’t go well at all. But, to my credit, I did have the smarts to stop halfway through, and walk over and ask Smoke to break me off a piece. But he was busy filming it all, and refused to help me, so I was on my own. (He told me afterwards that he was making a Nature documentary, and therefore wasn’t allowed to interfere in any way. But personally, I think that he’s full of s**t.)
But listen, I don’t want people thinking that I’m soft, so I’m making this blog post a twofer. The top video is me with the whole apple, looking like a fool, but the bottom video is what happens when I get a hold of a more reasonable sized piece of apple. I tear that MFer up. Skin and all, bitch. Skin and all.
Don’t mind the ads that run on my videos, that’s how I pay for my apples. Got a problem with that? I’ll take a triangular shaped wedge right out of your ass. Get some.
9/2/12. Strawberries suck. That is all.
8/6/12. Hey, guys. I’ve had a few people asking me for another blog post, and wondering where I’ve been lately. Well, honestly, I’ve been a bit tied up. See, I’ve got a knack for finding my way into places that aren’t really fit for a tortoise, and it’s getting to be problematic at times.In the video below, for instance, I encountered some kind of futuristic force field. I’m told that it’s called a “net”. I guess this is one of those things where from the outside, it’s funny. I don’t know. But I do know that on the inside, it’s not very funny at all. ‘Cause what happened was, I’m taking a walk, minding my own business, when suddenly, I find myself stuck. See, I don’t understand “netting”. It’s not my fault, though. I’m a tortoise, we just don’t play that s**t. If I can see through it, I can walk through it. That’s the rule. But this “net” got the better of me somehow. I tried walking through it, and I even took a half-assed shot at biting it, but everything I did just got me wrapped up even further. I had to be rescued, and frankly, the whole incident has me a bit embarrassed. I don’t even know why I’m posting the video. But you know me, there just ain’t no shame in my game…
5/25/12. Hey guys. Anyone know how to open a pizza box? Hit me up if you do. Smoke order some pizza, and he gave me some of the grilled chicken topping, but I want more. He says I can’t have any more, but F him. I want chicken. And I can’t seem to get into the box. I tried smelling it for a while, but that didn’t work. Then I tried walking around it and bumping into it a few times, but again, nothing. I even tried climbing on top of it, but there’s no door up there either. So I’m out of ideas. But man, I can smell that chicken…
3/7/12. YO!!! What’s good? I’m back! I up and moved my blog to that other site, but Smoke pulled the plug on it like a week after he opened it, so i guess I’m stuck back here. Oh well, it’s all the same to me. I’ve been good, just chillin’ in the closet, coming out every few days to do a lap around the place and get something to eat. Then, back in the closet. Here’s a quick video of me eating a pear from earlier today. It didn’t go so well. You know how it is when you’re having one of those days when you just can’t get the food to go into your mouth, right? That s**t sucks.
1/7/11. I’m out, boys. RearNakedSmoke just ain’t doin’ it for me anymore. Too many people coming and going, I liked it better when it was just a few random potheads. So I’m jumping ship to Smoke’s sister site, KnockerSlobber.com. No, it’s not a p**n site, it’s a pro wrestling site. It’s “slobberknocker”, only juxtaposed. Yeah, I don’t really get the joke either, but Smoke thinks it’s just hilarious. Whatever. It’s just opened, and COMPLETELY deserted, which is just how I like it. Quiet. That’s why I included the above picture. That’s what I do when things get overwhelming. I find a dark corner, slam my head into the wall, and stay there until it’s over. It’s the perfect solution to most any problem that a tortoise can face.
All previous Beeno blogs are now archived here, for your convenience.